Heavenly Voice Mail

"Thank you for calling Heaven:

For English, Press 1,
For Spanish, Press 2,
to speak in tongues, Press 3,
for all other language, Press 4

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Please select one of the following options:

Press 1 for Requests
Press 2 for Thanksgiving
Press 3 for Complaints
Press 4 for all other inquiries

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I am sorry.
All of our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.

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If you would like to speak to:
God, Press 1
Jesus, Press 2
Holy Spirit, Press 3 ...

If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, press 4.

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To find a loved one that has been assigned to Heaven, Press 5, then enter his or her social security number, followed by the "pound" sign.
If you receive a negative response please hang up and dial area code: (666)
For reservations at Heaven, please enter J-O-H-N, followed by the number 3-1-6. It may prove useful to memorize this number.

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For answeres to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, life on other planets, and the location of Noah's Ark, please wait until you arrive.
Our computers know that you have already prayed today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow. The office is closed for the weelend to observe a religious holiday.

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Please pray again on Monday after 9:30 a.m. If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor."